Eva Mendes Shares the Parenting Habit She Can’t Break
Eva Mendes opened up about the hardships of parenting—and one of her admissions will likely feel very relatable to many other modern-day parents.
“One of the hardest patterns for me [to break] is yelling,” Mendes said on a recent appearance on the Parenting & You podcast with Shefali Tsabary, PhD. “In my mind, it’s not like a mean yell, but it doesn’t matter—I yell.”
Of course, yelling is not optimal. We’ve heard that yelling is ineffective, and repeated patterns of it can have a negative effect on our kids, including anxiety, depression, and lower self-esteem.
On the flip side, we’ve also seen countless pieces of gentle parenting content on social media…to the point that we may be wondering if we’re setting our children up for lifelong trauma every time we raise our voices.
The reality? Good parents have imperfect moments. The vast majority, like Mendes, don’t want to yell at their kids. But at the same time, parenting is hard, and parents are human.
As a parenting journalist, I spend a lot of time paying attention to conversations around modern-day parenthood that take place both IRL and online. And in my opinion, parents don’t need much more information about why they should work on minimizing their yelling—we already have so much of that.
What we need are admissions like this one from Mendes—who shares two daughters, Esmeralda, 10, and Amada, 8, with partner Ryan Gosling. They help prove that parents are imperfect humans who can have imperfect moments. The good news is there are usually reasons for yelling and ways to come back from it.
Why Parents May Yell at Their Kids
Mendes is certainly not the only parent who struggles to break the pattern of yelling.
Shelly Miller, the positive parenting expert behind The Teacher Momma, cosigns the idea that yelling is common among parents today. In fact, one study found 45% of moms and 42% of dads reported using harsh verbal discipline, including yelling, on their kids.
Parents may yell because they are feeling overwhelmed. “Perhaps you’re overstimulated by noise, things like whining or screaming. Maybe you’re touched out, or the rush of the routine gets to you,” explains Miller. “In other situations, you might be feeling a loss of control or a sense of helplessness when your children aren’t listening or when they behave in aggressive ways.”
And chronic yelling may be due to a parent’s chronic stress and burnout. “They live in a state of heightened frustration and overstimulation where the impulse to release some of the stress by yelling is usually one small trigger away,” says Miller.
While stress can certainly contribute to yelling, we can also look back to our own childhoods to recognize why it’s a common parenting pattern, according to Reena B. Patel, LEP, BCBA, a parenting expert and positive psychologist. There can be a cultural component, which Mendes and Dr. Tsabary touched upon on the podcast, as well.
“For a lot of adults, yelling is the form of communication that was used by their parents growing up,” says Patel. “Breaking this pattern and learning to communicate differently can be hard for some people to do because it’s often easier to go with what we know.”
Miller agrees, adding, “If you haven’t had parents or other secure relationships teach you how to navigate stress and conflict without raised voices or angry words, you’re more likely to repeat the pattern yourself.”
What To Do About Yelling
If you’ve noticed that yelling is your go-to response in tough moments, know that you’re not a bad parent. Here are some ways to address it.
Check in with yourself
“Your yelling is telling you that you need something,” explains Miller.
Miller says some questions to ask yourself to get to the bottom of what’s going on include:
- Are you sleep deprived?
- Is there too much on your plate?
- Are you getting the support you need from your partner or other trusted people?
- Are you doing anything for yourself?
- Are you feeling resentment or isolated?
Take a moment to destress
When a stressful situation hits, take an opportunity to compose yourself. That can be as simple as drinking a glass of water or doing a quick stretch.
“As long as the child is in a safe space, give yourself a minute or two to get back in your body and show up how you want to for your child,” says Patel.
If these stressful moments become frequent, you may need some additional help, such as therapy. That can guide you on learning new behavior management skills or to heal traumatic patterns from your childhood, explains Miller.
Talk to your kid
Yes, parents—even the ones who aim for a gentler approach—yell. What you do after raising voice matters, though.
“The child isn’t broken,” says Patel. “Be honest with them; explain to them you didn’t mean to yell and you will do your best to not do it again. Talk about the situation with them and try to leave it on a positive note. It’s important that children see that everyone makes mistakes and that doing so is forgivable and OK.”
Miller agrees, sharing that when you take accountability for a mistake and repair the situation, you are teaching your kid valuable lessons.
“When you model this pattern to your child, you give them the gift of learning it now,” says Miller. “It will serve them for the rest of their lives, and it’s only possible because of your ‘mess up’ moments.”
Go easy on yourself
Every little mistake isn’t going to ruin your child; it’s all about patterns you establish, rather than outlier moments, explains Miller. Pay attention to those patterns over perfection.
“Focus on general patterns of connection, safety, and support and give yourself permission to ignore a lot of the highly specific rules you see circulating online,” adds Miller. “There’s room for messy. There’s room for imperfect. There’s room for you as your authentic self.”