Avoiding the Shame of Missing Your Kid’s Events
While it’s not a stretch to assume parents know the importance of showing up in support of their kids, one particular viral TikTok video does a poignant job of displaying it.
The video, posted by @appreciara, is a compilation of moments where children are noticing a familiar face in the crowd right before an event. There are fist pumps, joyful jumps, and surprised smiles. A text overlay throughout reads, “Showing up matters.”
It’s mostly unclear what each event entails or what it might’ve taken for the person on the other side of the camera to get there. But one thing is clear: It definitely mattered.
“Seeing the parent there was everything to that child,” says Eric C. Alcera, MD, a child and adolescent psychiatrist and the vice president and chief medical officer at Carrier Clinic. “And that is a metaphor for so many other situations in life when you’re telling the child that they’re a priority.”
Mental health experts agree that striving to provide a familiar face in the audience for your child is important. However, they also acknowledge that it may not always be possible for everyone.
What Showing Up Really Means
Events like the ones displayed in the video can bring on big feelings for kids–and seeing someone they have a secure attachment to can be positive.
The comments are filled with people who frequently didn’t have an adult show up for them to those who remember how foundational it was to have someone who did.
“This hits different when your parents didn’t show up,” writes one person.
“I’ll never forget the first time I did a color guard performance, and my grandpa, fresh from chemo, came to the stadium and watched in the winter cold. I miss him,” writes another.
“Attachment or attachment bond is the emotional connection that an infant or child forms with their primary caregiver,” says Alejandra Galindo, LMFT, a licensed marriage and family therapist with Thriveworks in Houston. “The quality of bonding a child experiences during this first relationship often determines how well they relate to others and respond to intimacy throughout their life.”
Secure caregiver-child relationships are hallmarked by a child who feels confident the caregiver is responsive and available to their needs.
Indeed, Regine Muradian, PsyD, an author, speaker, and psychologist says it’s a top priority for caregivers.
“As a parent, being consistently present and responsive creates a world of safety, protection, and stability,” Dr. Muradian says. “You can see [in the video] how a child’s mood changes from apprehensive to excited once they see a familiar face. When a child feels secure with their parents, they feel safe, listened to, heard, and loved. They can better manage their emotions and openly share their feelings.”
You Aren’t Doing Damage If You Can’t Make It
Many of the commenters in the video who appeared to not yet have kids made commitments to show up to every future event.
“I want to have kids to show up for them,” writes one.
“I can’t wait to go to all my kid’s events,” says another.
Others focused on making different choices in the present, with one mom committing to breaking generational cycles.
“This hurts me but heals me knowing my daughter will never go through this—momma will always show up,” she comments.
These goals are admirable. However, life happens–and the unpredictability of schedules can make showing up every time a lot less practical, despite our best efforts.
Parents with multiple kids in youth sports may have games occurring at the same time. An illness or treatment may cause a caregiver to miss an event. Or you may work irregular hours. U.S. Surgeon General Dr. Vivek Murthy cited time demands in a recent advisory about parental stress.
“It’s important to give ourselves grace as parents for so many reasons,” Galindo says. “Parents often try their best to do what they can and give their kids the things they didn’t have growing up. While this is a noble cause, our kids may not have the same worries we did as children.”
Both Galindo and Dr. Muradian agree that modeling self-compassion and forgiveness is important.
“When you show yourself grace, you are teaching your child that it’s OK to be imperfect,” says Dr. Muradian.
Galindo adds that attachment is a long game—and progress isn’t linear.
“Attachment styles can shift or change as children get older because our brains remain capable of change throughout our lives,” Galindo says. “Children will have other experiences outside of their primary caretaker that will influence and shape how they interact with others. The most important reason to give ourselves grace as a parent is that there are other ways to show up for our kids and create secure attachments.”
Other Ways to Show Up For Kids
Dr. Muradian says when it comes to showing up for kids, quality matters more than quantity.
“Focus on the quality of your relationship, not the number of times you were present for an event. It’s all about finding a healthy balance and taking care of yourself first so you can be the best parent you want to be,” she adds.
Here are some ways to show up for your child even if you can’t attend an event in person.
Be honest and acknowledge their feelings
Experts say that honesty is crucial in establishing and maintaining a secure attachment and RSVPing “no” can actually be one way to work on trust.
“Explain why you can’t show up for your children at this specific time,” says Noah Kass, DSW, LCSW.
While you may gift your child with honesty, Dr. Kass and Galindo say the child may react negatively. However, they say it’s important to not minimize the effect, even if it seems small to you.
“It’s important to apologize and take accountability for not being able to make it to an event,” Galindo says.
Record the event
Galindo suggests asking another parent or teacher to record the event for you. Some schools also post short clips of events and performances on apps they use to communicate with parents.
“Once you get home or have time to look at the video, you can ask your child to sit with you and point out things they did and how they feel,” Galindo says. “ This allows you an opportunity to validate their feelings, provide support, and share in the excitement.”
Send a personalized message
Dr. Alcera recommends sending a quick text or email to let your child know you’re thinking of them. A video call or even a hand-written note can be incredibly meaningful.
“A hand-written note…shows an extra effort to provide a personal touch,” Dr. Alcera says. “If you’re going away for a few days, leave a note for each day you’ll be gone and ask [your child] not to open them all at once so they have something to look forward to.”
Re-create the event
Galindo says a child may be willing to reenact the event or part of it at home, such as doing a dance routine or reciting lines they had to memorize.
“You can get other siblings involved by having them announce the routine or award,” Galindo says. “You can also consider having a small play date with your child and two of their friends who may have been involved with the event and ask them to share their experiences.”
She explains that engaging in the experience is helpful, as it shows genuine interest from your end and while encouraging confidence in your child.
Make your own special moments
While you may not be able to attend every event, you can make the moments you are around meaningful by tuning into your child.
“Practice not talking on the phone when your child is in the car with you,” Dr. Muradian says. “Even if there’s pure silence, focus on just being there in their presence. Praise them for their good behavior and accomplishments. When they see you excited, they will feel valued and supported.”
Dr. Muradian also suggests carving out special time together to watch a movie, get your favorite snacks, or chat before bedtime as part of a nightly routine. You may even be able to dedicate these special times as a “make-up” of sorts.
Dr. Kass agrees, saying “For example, the parent could say, ‘I’m sad I couldn’t see your performance tonight, but tomorrow night, I’d love to watch the performance video with you. Afterward, we can go out for a gigantic ice cream sundae.’”